


how can it be a better place if we’re not together

by crazyqueerecrivain



Series: twenty-five days of fic [12]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 07:39:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8836033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyqueerecrivain/pseuds/crazyqueerecrivain
Summary: in which lena died two months ago and kara is having trouble coping with the holidays





	

**Author's Note:**

> okay, i know i'm late, but i spent the day on the plane and am like 80% done with tomorrows fic as well! i really had to take a shower and then my internet was funky. this is just pure angst; my buddy posted the writing prompt :
> 
>  
> 
> _I think of all the people that will tell me that you're in a better place now. But how could it be a better place if we're not together?_
> 
>  
> 
> and i ran with it ; tomorrow's fic should be longer and fluffier i promise

Three years. One hundred and fifty six weeks. Fifty-six thousand, nine hundred and forty days. One million, three hundred sixty-six thousand, five hundred and sixty hours. It wasn’t enough. How much time did Kara waste? Tears start to pool in Kara’s eyes before she can stop them. She’s not ready for the holidays. She can’t do it, not without Lena. She can’t make herself smile and be happy and put on a show for Alex and Maggie, nor Eliza and Jeremiah when everything inside of her hurts. It’s only been two months, it’s no cause for celebration. The worst part of it is, Kara knows it’s her own fault. It’s her fault that Lena’s gone. That stupid alien found out who Kara was under the super suit and they went after the one that Kara held dearest; the one that gave Kara a ring just days before she was taken from the blonde. 

Kara twists her engagement ring, remembering the moment. Remembering how Lena had put together this perfect date. Remembering how Lena had brought bags of potstickers and tubs of ice cream on their picnic. Remembering how Lena laughed as they stargazed before making Kara stand up and bending down on one knee. Kara had accidentally started levitating them when she pulled Lena into a kiss, something that hadn’t happened since their very first kiss. She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to eat her favorite foods again because they remind her so much of Lena. 

The tears start to fall from Kara’s eyes as their cat, Mittens, crawls into Kara’s lap to investigate the tears. Mittens had never much liked Kara, not until Lena died. He was honestly kind of a terrible cat. No one but Lena could hold him or pet him and he disappeared under the bed if anyone other Lena and Kara had been in their apartment. They both loved him regardless though. Lena had found him abandoned outside her building as a kitten and convinced Kara to take the black and white cat in, not that she had needed much convincing. Kara insisted that Lena name him; who would’ve guessed the badass CEO was going to name a kitten Mittens. When Kara first got home, Mittens just seemed to know. He seemed to realize that Lena wasn't coming home. He sat and snuggled with Kara when she cried, and didn’t leave Kara’s side. He’s still kind of a terrible cat; he still refuses to be kind to anyone but Kara, and he still won’t let anyone but Kara hold him, but he may just be the only thing that’s gotten Kara through this whole ordeal. 

Supergirl hasn’t been out since it happened. Kara can’t bare to put on her super suit. Alex keeps trying to tell Kara that Lena would want her to keep being Supergirl, and that Lena’s in a better place. Kara knows Alex is probably correct on the former. Lena would want Kara to keep being Supergirl. Lena would tell Kara to be the hero that Lena fell for, but Kara just can’t make herself do it. Every time Kara even looks at the suit all she can hear is Lena’s cries. All she can see is the fatigue on Lena’s face and the knowledge that she was going to die in Lena’s eyes. _I love you Kara._ Lena’s last words ring through Kara’s ears, _Don’t let grief define you my love._ Grief doesn’t define Kara, at least not entirely. She’s started to get to work at CatCo. Snapper is his same rough self, but he’s more protective of Kara. No one is allowed to bring Lena or the Luthor name up around the office, and if they do, they get a severe glare from their grumpy boss. To a degree, Kara is appreciative, but she’s kind of tired of being treated as a porcelain doll. She can’t break any more. Kara can’t believe that Lena is in a better place. How can it be a better place if they’re not together? Any time Alex tries to get Kara back to the DEO, Kara sends her sister a look rarely before seen and Maggie puts a hand lightly on her girlfriends back, whispering, “how would you feel if it was me?” into Alex’s ear. Kara knows it hurts her sister to see her sad, but Kara just can’t put on the act. She hasn’t just lost her partner, her best friend, and her lover, but she’s lost her heart. She’s lost her soulmate and she’s not sure she still has purpose in this world. 

She’s lost so much. She tries to stay positive and focus on what - on who - she has. She tries to focus on Alex and Eliza and Winn and James and Kal-El, but so many times all she can think of her parents, of her planet, and mostly, of Lena. Sometimes she still wakes up, confused when there’s not another body in bed with her and sleepily calls Lena’s cell, only to hear it ring in the next room. Sometimes she calls Lena’s cell on purpose, just to hear her voice, even if it’s only _“You’ve reached Lena Luthor, Leave a message and I’ll return your call as soon as I can; thanks.”_ Kara takes a deep breath, rubbing between Mittens’ ears. 

Kara doesn’t think she has any more tears to cry, when the cat purrs. Its not the purr that sets Kara off per se, but the implications and the memories. She can hear Lena’s laugh as Lena takes a purring Mittens off her lap and places him in Kara’s lap just for the cat to silence himself. When she moves the cat back into her own lap, Mittens starts to purr like nothing had happened. Kara can still see the twinkle in Lena’s eye and feel Lena’s body pressed against her own when Lena gave her a consolation hug. _“At least I love you.”_ Kara can hear Lena tease. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. Kara swore it was purposeful and now that Lena’s gone, she’s sure of it. “Rao, Mittens, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to keep going.” Kara sighs, wiping tears from her eyes. Mittens mews in response before hopping off of Kara’s lap and disappearing into the bedroom. “Mittens!” Kara groans, “I thought we were past this buddy!” She lifts herself off of the couch with a grunt before following the cat. 

Scanning the room, Kara finds the dirty set of pajamas Lena hadn’t had time to put away that morning, and the clean set Kara plans on wearing tonight. She finds the bed messy, just as she left it, but she doesn’t see the cat anywhere. “C’mon kitty, give me a hint.” Kara tries, doubting that the cat will understand and respond. To her surprise, a meow echoes from the closet, the closed closet Kara might add. With a sigh, Kara pushes the door to find a cat butt sticking out of something on the top shelf. “What did you get yourself into Mister?” Another meow in response. Gently, Kara pulls Mittens down in whatever cloth that he’s found himself wrapped up in. It takes her a few moments to recognize the fabric, but then it clicks. _Lena_ is stitched across the top of the stocking. Kara smiles in memory. It was Kara’s very first Christmas gift to Lena. They had only been dating a matter of months when Christmas rolled around. Kara was excited, as per usual, and gushed about all her favorite things, including, running down stairs to open her stocking even before everyone was up and presents were exchanged. Kara had been horrified when Lena sheepishly told her that she had never actually had a stocking growing up, so she quickly remedied the situation. “Buddy…” Kara tries to reason with the cat, who’s crawled out of the stocking and started pawing at Kara for no apparent reason. “What? What do you want?” Mittens mews, as if that’s suppose to answer Kara’s question. 

The cat gets up again and runs into the living room. Stocking still in hand, Kara follows him, starting question her sanity. This time it’s not a scavenger hunt to find the black and white ball of fluff. He’s settled in his kitty bed ( for the first time in his entire life ) by the fireplace. “You want me to hang her stocking.” Mittens lets out a purr of satisfaction. “I’m loosing my mind.” Kara looks up, “Lena I’m talking to your cat. You see what you’ve done leaving me? You’ve made me go crazy.” To Kara’s surprise, her tone isn’t sad or angry, rather, there’s a laugh just waiting to escape. “Fine, we’ll decorate.” Kara sighs, “It won’t be the same without her though.” Kara scoops up with cat with minimal resistance from him, sits down criss cross and presses a kiss to his head. “Mittens you have to make me a promise though okay? You’re gonna see her before me,” the cat mews in protest and Kara just shrugs, “It’s fact bud, you’re a cat. I’m Kryptonian, but I need you to take care of your Mama, just like you’re taking care of me right now. I’ll see her again, but I just need to know she knows I love her. You think you can do that for me?” The cat purrs, nestling his head into Kara’s knee. “Thanks Buddy.”

They do see each other again, far earlier than expected and wanted. Kal-El and Alex cry as do their significant others. When Alex sobs the hardest, Maggie pulls her close and gives her gentle, comforting kisses. “She’s with Lena now. You’ll see her again.” Maggie whispers. Just as Lena waited for Kara at the gate, Kara meets Alex there when Alex is old and ready to join the rest of the family.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi to [me](https://crazyqueerfrenchfry.tumblr.com) on tumblr or go yell at [Megs](http://figuratively--literal.tumblr.com)


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